Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude