Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.