Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You Might Also Like
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.