Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*