I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Sign of the day..
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi