Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
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I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.