Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Sometimes I feel like I鈥檓 cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
i love that my tweets still say i鈥檓 tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald鈥檚 uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
Let鈥檚 continue this argument later on when I鈥檓 alone in the shower and you鈥檙e not there to defend yourself
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she鈥檚 claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I鈥檓 dead.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.