Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
How to find Kentucky on a map
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
going to the ER y’all need anything