Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.