@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
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@RorynotRoy: It's annoying how mirrors are always all like, "Hey, c'mere. I wanna show you something gross about you."
@NotJPo: I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.
@WeissBrandon: Me: I'm going bungee jumping Mom: y? Me: my friend John is Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you? Me: that's what I just told u