@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
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@aka_fatman: People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?" We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.
@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@Dutch_50: I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.