@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
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@internetluke: Jeff is here! "Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room" Jeff is here!
@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?! Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes* Woman: Get them out! Me: $300 snake removal fee *dumps box of mongooses*
@EndhooS: My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new