We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
But wait…
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
That de-escalated quickly
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Ironic
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”