@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
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@LostFelicia: If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
@IamEnidColeslaw: okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he's coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I'M WEARING TWO BRAS
@ramblinma: *cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them* *will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
@junejuly12: Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.