@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
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@WeissBrandon: Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
@iwearaonesie: *wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!