My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Try and stop me.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My teenage children choosing violence