Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it