FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.