FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
You Might Also Like
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Never forget.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.