Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Hey I worked for it too!
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
The Joker was right
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job