Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Good point.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Uh oh…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops