Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Most fashion shows these days…
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!