Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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for all #parents out there
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
marvel comics have peaked
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!