Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.