Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Saturday
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.