Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR