Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Optional boss fight.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs