@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: The only time a man has ever asked me "do you have a sister?" was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.
@mydanimarie: MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ'S AND MY SNACK.
@SomthinBoutSara: Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
@Phook75: My wife asked me to order a new chefs knife today and now I’m thinking she’s tricked me into purchasing her murder weapon
@brianbowman73: My conscience is clean. Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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