@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@hazelmotes1: Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
@markydoodoo: [at dog park] ME: it's ok, she's friendly. THEM: is, is that a crab? ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.
@InternetHippo: I’m the guy who replies “And you’re surprised?” to tweets. Nothing shocks me. My dead grandmother rose from the grave once & I just scoffed
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it] Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
@ramenfuneral: when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
COMMENTS