Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
They got Raph!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.