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@Playing_Dad: Friend: I'm pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
@MomOfTeen: Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
@PoonWhisperer1: The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
@Brampersandon_: *walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
"I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
@TheBoydP: The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
@tree_bro: "Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed", reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.