Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Did I do this right
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I feel it
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
*watches the world burn*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.