Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
All generalizations are stupid.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Stonehinge
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money