FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.