[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*