get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
You Might Also Like
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor