Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I can’t stop laughing at this
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?