Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
You Might Also Like
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?