Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
i think both sides are to blame here
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.