FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
#SaturdayBears
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …