FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Mood.. 😂
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’