You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You Might Also Like
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.