wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
spicy snake
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.