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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
channeling her this year
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness