Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
translated into Canadian
I’m not proud
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
In case you needed to hear it:
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.