Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.