FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.