The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
This is true.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush