[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I told my vodka about you.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
🙂🙃🥹
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.