Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*watches the world burn*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Perfect
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist