friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
translated into Canadian
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit