Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
They must have gotten it to go.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*