ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
God has abandoned us.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?