FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.