Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Shower sex be like:
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.