Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Shower sex be like:
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit